meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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