He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
