i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
