felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
