her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
