if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
