If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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