I cockslap morals
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
