Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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