my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
