I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Holy sore nipples Batman
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
