I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
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I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
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Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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