Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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