nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
