sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
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