I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Randomize