hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
