I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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