The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
