I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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