when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
