there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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