Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
