I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
