I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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