I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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