Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
