If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You ruined the universe
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