Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
