You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
