complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
