Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
