peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
