Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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