someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
