I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
