Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
