i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
