Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
