I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
