you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
