Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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