my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
