It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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