its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.