woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
31 People Admit To Nasty Things They Do On The Reg
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.