Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
