just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..