Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
