I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Houston, we have a squirter
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
