I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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