watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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