apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize