only if we run a train.
done.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
