I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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