Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
