hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
