So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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