Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
