she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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