Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
